Hey. I know you're trying really hard. I know you're tired. You want to get shit done and you want to care but it's so hard. You know why you're tired? Because you don't believe that you're trying hard enough.
It does not matter how much you're doing. You can still be tired.
The fatigue of expectations weighs heavily. What are your expectations for yourself? Are they realistic? My clients usually think so. But we eventually discover that those expectations are unrealistic for the life they're living. They've created expectations based on a life that they hope to achieve "someday".
That's not to say you shouldn't have goals. But having goals is different from the pushing and grinding that leads to mentally punishing yourself for not meeting some unrealistic standard. The problem is this: you don't quite believe that it's unrealistic. That's why you keep pushing. You continue to believe you can get to that magical place where life is easier if you could just push a little harder.
In order to feel better you have to give yourself permission to accept yourself for who you are now, regardless of who you will become in the future. Where is the bar and do you keep moving it? When you keep moving the bar you reinforce the idea that you are never good enough. Letting go of shame feels like laziness. Like you're giving up on becoming that "better" person by accepting this flawed version of yourself. But shame has never created lasting or loving change.
Stop postponing the calm that comes with letting go of shame. No matter how much you are carrying, let it be enough for now. You're doing enough. Try to believe it.